The call I never thought would come....

I just spoke to my "father" for the first time...EVER. I'm thirty years old for fuck's sake.

I'm sort of numb right now...

He left us when I was one and we never heard from him again until today. Well, apparently he had his son (my half brother) start searching for us when they got a computer a while back. When my mom came to visit me after Liv was born she told me that they called her. She lost the phone number, because it was when my grandmother was very ill and my mother was taking care of her full time. Anyway, she said she could call the phone company, but I needed time to think about it all. I was very hormonal just giving birth, so I wasn't completely there when we discussed it before.

Anyway, fast forward to today. My brother called my mom again today. My father was visiting him in AZ and is flying back to Mexico (he lives there) in a few hours. I had to make up my mind and very fast if I wanted to speak to him. Apparently i have two brothers (26 and 23) and a sister (20). My 26 yr old brother lives in AZ with his wife. The rest live in Mexico. He's been married to the same woman since he remarried almost 28 years ago. They own an auto parts store in Mexico.

When I called, my "brother" answered the phone. He gave me all the details on himself and told me that my father had been trying to find me since he got a computer a few years ago. He asked if I wanted to speak to him, as he was sitting right next to him. I was so mad at myself. The entire time he was talking I could do nothing but cry. I finally just told him that I didn't know what to say.

All these years I have thought about this and thought about what I would tell him. None of those things could come out. I'm just emotionally numb. I knew if I didn't speak to him I would regret it though. He gave the phone over to my father (and it feel so weird to type that out...all my life I have had no father...).

Anyway, he got on and I couldn't speak.

All those years of feeling so...

neglected...

alone...

unworthy of his time...

All the hardships my mother endured, all the things we went without because of him. I wanted to say lots of ugly things...but I couldn't. I'm just not that kind of person. He kept saying my name over and over again.....and how he was sorry..so sorry. He said he kept a picture of me and my mother in his wallet all this time until last year when it was stolen. I think he was crying, but I don't know if that was me wishing he was or if it was real.

I want him to be sorry

I want him to beg me for my forgiveness

I want him to tell me that he hasn't been whole not having me in his life.

This was made all the more complicated because he doesn't speak good english. We had to get my mother on the phone (awkward) to translate. She was a very good sport. He's the one who taught her all her spanish, so she was happy to use it. He wanted to know when we could meet and that he offered his formal apology and hoped he could be a part of my life.

I didn't speak much...but I did shock myself when I said I wanted to know where I came from. I wanted to know my family...that he hurt me all these years and I wanted to know why I wasn't important enough to him to have a life with. Why were these three other children more worthy of his time and love? He said that he was a bad person back then, that he is different now.

He was so afraid all these years that I would hate him and I would tell him that...gosh you THINK!He's right.

Had he called me 10 years ago when my heart was a little harder, I would have rejected him flat out. I wouldn't have given him the time of day.

He's lucky I'm a different person now. I don't know if God put this on hold for this very reason or what. I gave him my email address and my cell phone number and said I was ready to start building some sort of relationship with them. I'm really surprised at my reaction. I feel so emotionally exhausted right now. I feel like I've been crying all day. All those years of pain have come flooding back in. I've done ok with my life and I am so scared to have him pop in and out again. I've have got to try and protect my children and I'll be damned if I let them get hurt. They already have one set of grandparents who have forgotten they existed....even after my late husband (their son) died. I don't want them feeling the same neglect and hurt that I have felt all these years.

All I can do now is pray that he puts some sort of effort into this. I don't know when I'll be ready to meet...but I hope God does some work on me. I need some help with forgiveness. I know forgiveness is important and I've not been good at it in the past. Then I'm pissed off because I'm the one that has to forgive....me..it just doesn't seem fair. Life isn't fair though is it.....